I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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