I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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