How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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