Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she smelled like a LAN party
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
