I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
