Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Randomize
