my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize