I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
