I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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