U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
