We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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