I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
