We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You know, be my cock's hype man.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
