he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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