You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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