I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I love having hate sex.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
