awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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