Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I supernannyed him into submission
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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