Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
