3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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