; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
