Midget sex pt 2 tonight
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
