Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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