Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
That's how pantless uber rides happen
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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