If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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