For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
