Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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