Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
