Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
