yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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