Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I want a musical about memes.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
