After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
