i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
