the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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