My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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