Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
