i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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