i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
