Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize