Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize