i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize