Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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