i need an iv and a liver transplant
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
