My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
