I met the friendliest cop last night
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
