areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
