Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
