He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
