You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
