the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
