Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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