Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
