I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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