I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
