I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
