there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
