ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Well I just put wine in my tea
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
