Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
i need to put some appletini on your dick
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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