Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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