sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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