Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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