If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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