Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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