Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
