If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
PANTIES FOUND
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