Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
