Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
