you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
