I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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