The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
