Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
