apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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